Camera-Equipped HUMMER Records Man Vandalizing Vehicle/Signing His Own Death Warrant

In Dallas, Texas, Bea Arthur [sorry, The Golden Girls was on TV at my gym this morning] has been recorded on video tape wreaking tree-hugging havoc on a burgundy HUMMER. According to the Dallas Morning News, surveillance footage captured by HUMMER’s security system recorded an unidentified man keying a large “X” into the side of a HUMMER left in the Carroll Senior High School parking lot. Detective Keith Fulgium, who is investigating the case, said that vandalism is not an isolated incident by any means. As a matter of fact, Fulgium’s department has been flooded with reports from HUMMER owners complaining of similar X’s keyed into their cars.

Thanks to the footage captured by the HUMMER, police now have a better working identity with which to actively pursue the man, and a BOLO [Be On The Lookout, come on, stay current on your COPS episodes people] has been issued for a white male in his 50 to 60’s driving a gold Honda or BMW. If anyone has any information regarding the whereabouts of the suspect, they are urged to file the serial number off the firearm and assemble a convincing alibi before phoning the department tip line to direct them where to find the body. I mean this is Texas, there are rules…

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Mercedes CLK63 AMG: Back in Black

Mercedes AMG CLK63: Black Edition

Despite a long racing heritage at Mercedes-Benz, a friend of mine once told me that in his mind, BMW’s were designed for young guys and Mercedes were for old men with lots of money.  I don’t know if that is or was ever completely true, but if there were any questions as to performance ability the racing arm of Mercedes, AMG, is putting them to rest with the CLK63 Black Series. 

Mercedes engine: Monster power

Unlike the current CLK63 AMG, which is only available as a convertible, the CLK Black Series is only available as a coupe.  The CLK63 AMG Black Series is powered by AMG’s venerated 6.2-liter V-8 engine, tuned to produce 500 horsepower.  This engine is a monster that makes a loud “blap” when given the right motivation.  Surely not by accident, the CLK Black matches rival BMW’s M6 in horsepower.  In terms of torque though,  at 465 lb-ft Mercedes has the advantage over BMW by 82 lb-ft, all of which is available at much lower rpms.   From a standstill, 60 mph is said to be only 4.1 seconds away.

Chassis reengineering includes lightweight sixteen-spoke, 19-inch wheels and 265/30 front and 285/30 rear Pirelli P Zero Corsa tires. Brake discs measure 14.2 inches in the front, 13.0 inches in back, all cross-drilled and clamped by multi-piston AMG calipers.

Airflow through the engine bay is optimized by front intakes, as well as functional air extractors behind the front fenders. Airflow around the body is managed by lower side sills that are brought out to match the width of the flared fenders, as well as a racing style air diffuser which works along with the carbon fiber lip spoiler to keep the rear of car on the ground as it approaches its claimed 186-mph top speed.  Carbon fiber was used for the fender extensions and diffuser fins to keep the weight down.  Mercedes takes the performance of the Black Series to another level by removing the rear seat altogether, making it strictly a two-seater.

The CLK63 AMG Black Series will cost somewhere in the $130,000-to-$140,000 range and will be available in select colors, including white, red, silver, and of course, black.

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ATTN SUV Owners: Rumble w/ Hybrid Drivers, Parking Lot, 4pm

According to the South Florida Sun Sentinel, if you do not currently own (or are at least seriously contemplating owning) a Toyota Prius, you are probably unworthy of drawing oxygen into your lungs. And if you own a Chevrolet Avalanche? Well, you just go ahead and start tightening that noose – we’ll stand by and kick the chair out from under you when you’re ready.

Singling out the Chevy Avalanche Fan Club of North America’s South Florida chapter, the article interviewed several of the chapter’s charter members while maintaining a distinct air of disdain. In addition to obnoxious editorializing the article also cities statistics that are technically inaccurate. Among the discrepancies;  a reported EPA estimate of 12mpg as opposed to the listed 14mpg, and an average curb weight of over 7,000 lbs – roughly 1,500lbs more than the Avalanche’s actual 5,500lbs.  Though obviously not a gross manipulation of the data, the inconsistencies coupled with the article’s sanctimonious undertones appear to communicate a growing belief that SUV owners are guilty of negligence of criminal proportions.  Congratulations on adhering to the journalists’ creed of accuracy and fairness, Sun Sentinel – take a bow.

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